If I were to ask you to tell me your spouse’s favorite meal,
would you know the answer? Or how about your partner’s favorite movie? Or, your
sweetheart’s biggest aspiration? If you can answer these questions without too
much difficulty, congratulations- you’ve probably done the things necessary to
create a detailed “love map,” or place in your brain where you store all the
important information about your significant other- his or her hopes, dreams,
fears, favorites, annoyances, friends, and many more details. Dr. John Gottman,
in his book The Seven Principles for
Making Marriage Work, says that “without such a love map, you can’t really
know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love
them?” He then goes on to give exercises that help couples get to know each
other and enhance their love maps. My husband and I have a pretty good
relationship, but in doing these exercises, we learned some things about each
other that we hadn’t known before, even after almost 28 years of marriage. And
I can attest that by knowing more details about my sweetheart, I have grown to
love him all the more.
When you think of your spouse, what is the first thing that comes
to your mind? I’m going to take a guess and say that you thought of either an
endearing quality, or something that annoys you. If it was the latter, it would
be a good idea to work on nurturing your fondness and admiration for your
spouse. If it was the former, nurturing fondness and admiration is still very
important. Taking the time to remember the good qualities and character traits
that made you come to love your sweetheart in the first place is one way to
start. What drew you to him or her in the beginning of your relationship? Was
it kindness, a good sense of humor, a strong work ethic, or something else?
Thinking of these things helps solidify or re-instill a sense of respect, which
drives away that nasty Horseman called contempt (Gottman, 2015). Respect is of
the utmost importance in marriage! Dr. Wallace Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said
it this way: “Rather than fill ourselves with indignation and demands, we turn
to kindness and respect. . . . let’s consider [marriage] as a heart matter.
Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft
and they respect one another.” Rekindling, or adding to, an already burning fire
of fondness and admiration only helps that respect grow, adding warmth and
light to your marriage.
“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace
and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and
inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the
helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the
great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no
more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband
than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of
every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and
admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate
a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.”
When I find myself getting annoyed at my husband, I try and
reflect on his good qualities, and remember that I am by no means a perfect
human being. One of my husband’s wonderful qualities, in fact, is his patience
in dealing with some of my shortcomings!
By practicing these principles- building detailed love maps,
and nurturing fondness and admiration- couples can strengthen the ties that
bind them.
Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT
Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York
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