Overcoming the Four Horsemen

You may have heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as found in the New Testament, who are given as signs of the end of the world. John Gottman, a professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute, has studied couples for decades and can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not they will stay together. Gottman has borrowed the idea of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe "certain kinds of negative interactions that if allowed to run rampant, are...lethal to a relationship (Gottman, 1999).

The four horsemen are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Criticism is not to be confused with complaints. According to Gottman, "a complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event," while criticism "is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." Complaint: "I'm not happy that you didn't do the dishes today like we agreed. Can you do it before I make dinner?" Criticism: "You never do anything you say you will. You're so unreliable and selfish!"

Contempt is a form of disrespect, and rears its ugly head when one spouse believes he or she is superior to his or her partner. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, cynicism and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. 

Defensiveness is natural when one feels attacked, but it does nothing to help the situation, and usually just escalates it. This is because it is a round about way of blaming the other person. 

Stonewalling comes as a result of the other relentless horsemen. One partner finally comes to the point where they don't want to argue, so they just tune out and disengage from the situation.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard has offered the way to keep the Horsemen from overrunning a marriage, and it is the same solution that will be the triumph over the Horsemen of the Bible- Jesus Christ. By living the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can seek to have our hearts changed. When any of the Horsemen try to make an entrance, we can be kind, humble, and charitable in our dealings with our spouses.

I know in my own marriage that my husband and I have experienced the sorrow that comes from allowing the Four Horsemen entrance into our discourse, but we have also experienced the joy that comes from learning to be more Christlike to one another.

Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York