Gratitude and Charity in Marriage

Building a good marriage is always a work in progress- it's never really finished. This is because individuals continue to grow and change, which means couples and marriages must grow and change, too. Dr. John Gottman has found that improving marriage over the course of time only takes what he calls the Magic Six Hours. Here's the breakdown, as found in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

• Partings- Before you say good-bye each morning, make sure you have learned something about your spouse's day. Time: 2 minutes x 5 working days= 10 minutes 
• Reunions- Reconnect with a hug and at least a six second kiss, and engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each day. (For more about stress-inducing conversations, click here.) Time: 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour 40 minutes
• Admiration and appreciation- Find a way every day to tell your partner how much you truly love and appreciate them. It doesn't have to be big- even a genuine, "I love you!" is often all it takes. Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
• Affection- Show one another physical affection in some way- hold hands, give a back rub, you get the idea. And, be sure to always kiss goodnight, even if it's a quick kiss. "Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner" (Gottman 2015). Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
• Weekly date- Make this a time to update your love maps and turn toward each other. It should be a relaxing time together. Time: 2 hours once a week 
• State of the union meeting- Find one hour each week to talk about your relationship this week, and keep this time sacred. Express five items of appreciation that you didn't already do sometime during the week. Discuss any pertinent issues, using soft start-ups. Ask, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week
• Grand Total= 6 hours!

Along with these Magic Six hours, a couple needs to cultivate two other habits in order to build successful marriages. 

In my opinion, these two things are the foundation for a strong relationship. 

The first is gratitude.  Dr. Gottman found that chronic criticism in a marriage comes from two sources- an emotionally unresponsive spouse, and being harshly critical of oneself. When you cannot see the good in yourself, it is difficult to see the good in others, and this comes out as criticism towards others. According to Dr. Gottman, "the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all of my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father. . .One route toward this forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs. Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt" (Gottman, 2015). 

In order to cultivate this habit, try for one week to be aware of your tendency to criticize, and replace it with a focus on what is right and good in the world, and in the people around you.

Then, the next week, show gratitude to your spouse by genuinely praising them for something each day. Remember to be real, and then extend this to everyone you meet. Try to find at least one positive quality or behavior in each person you come in contact with, and ignore their shortcomings. You will find, as you do this, that you will become less critical of yourself, and build up others along the way.

The second habit that is the foundation of a strong marriage is charity. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, charity is defined as the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:45-48). It is made manifest by how we treat others in the heat of the moment. Are we kind and forgiving, or do we criticize and condemn? In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard says this: "Rather than re-working our partners to our liking we are invited to cover their weknesses with our charity! . . . Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong" (Goddard, 2009).

In my own marriage, I can think of many times when my husband showed his gratitude for me by being charitable. For example, just this week, I forgot to cancel a trial subscription that cost us $99. Instead of getting angry at me, he simply said, "That's ok. I'm sure it will be useful to us this year." He could have been very upset with me, but instead, he covered my weakness in charity, endearing me to him, and making me ever more grateful for the person he is in my life. Truly, gratitude and charity go hand in hand to build a strong foundation for marriage. 

What can you do this week to show more gratitude and charity towards your spouse?

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009).  Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.