On Conflict, Consecration, and Forgiveness

All couples disagree- it's inevitable. Even the most compatible people don't always see eye to eye, nor should they. We are each unique individuals with our own values, goals, and dreams. And we each have our own way of doing things.

According to Dr. John Gottman, there are two types of marital conflicts- solvable and perpetual.

Solvable Problems
This category of conflict is just what it seems- problems that couples can resolve and move on from. However, it is important to learn how to be emotionally intelligent in dealing with this type of conflict. Dr. Gottman suggests five steps that will help couples move through solvable problems in a way that will help them resolve them more effectively:

1. Use a soft start-up. Initiate issues kindly, and do not let the Four Horsemen make an appearance. (For more information about this, click here.)
2. Learn how to make and receive effective repair attempts. This is a way to de-escalate the tension in an argument. Examples include saying things like, "I can see my part in all this," or, "I see what you're talking about," or even, "Please help me calm down."
3. Soothe yourself, and each other. Repair attempts may not get through if your partner is feeling flooded, so it is important to learn how to calm down, and help each other calm down. The first thing to do if you are feeling flooded, or notice that your partner is, is to STOP the discussion IMMEDIATELY. Then, do something that calms and distracts, like taking a walk, listening to music, or exercising. 
4. Compromise. This is the only way to really solve anything. Compromise means finding common ground, accepting your spouse with all their faults and weaknesses, and finding a way to honor and respect each other's needs. It means being willing to accept influence from your partner, and not trying to change your spouse. 
5. Dealing with emotional injuries. Sometimes solvable conflicts leave some residual damage that needs to be worked through. Dr. Gottman has an in-depth exercise for this is his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that I highly recommend. 

Perpetual Problems

 My husband and I rarely argue, but when we do, it is typically about the same things we have argued about since the beginning of our relationship . This type of conflict falls into the perpetual category, and we're not alone here- 69% of all marital conflicts are perpetual. The trick is to learn how to avoid what Dr. Gottman calls gridlock. Couples who are happy in their marriages have learned to deal with these types of conflicts without getting angry, and often with a sense of humor. Gridlock occurs when no progress is made in coping with the conflict effectively. The couple becomes stuck, not really coming to a consensus, and one person, or both, may feel frustrated, rejected, and eventually, disengaged. Dr. Gottman has found that unrequited dreams are at the heart of every gridlocked conflict.

How do you tell the difference between the two types of conflict? Solvable problems are typically those that are situational, while perpetual ones are about what Gottman calls Big Issues- trust, security and selfishness, for example.

In either case, whether your disagreement is solvable or perpetual, consecration is a key that will help unlock us, or keep us, from gridlock. When we see marriage as something that is dedicated to a holy purpose, we are more willing to compromise. "Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve" (Goddard, 2009).

And, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness plays a major role in learning to deal with marital conflict. In his talk, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, James E. Faust quotes Dr. Sidney Simon: "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

Feel more joy in your marriage by practicing these concepts when disagreements arise. What can you do today to help resolve a conflict in your marriage?

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.