Finding Joy in Extended Family Relationships

When two people marry, each inherits another set of parents, and also siblings. We've all heard the jokes about how hard it is to deal with in-laws, but does it have to be difficult in reality?

 A new family unit is created when wedding vows are spoken, and each of the spouse's parents must give the new couple room to create what James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen describe as their marital identity. This process can be illustrated with the new married couple as seeing themselves "existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence--not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law" (Harper and Olsen, p. 328, 2005). As found in the book of Genesis in the Old Testament, a "man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." To cleave means to be attached, devoted or faithful to. It is now the work of the newly married couple to devote their time and energy to each other, meaning they confide in one another, counsel together, and work as a team to build the life they envision for themselves. This doesn't mean they forget their parents- on the contrary. They still continue to love, honor, and cherish them; however, the relationships change. "Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers" (Harper & Olsen, p. 328, 2005). Parents need to respect the new couple as an entity outside their control, and allow them the time and space to learn and grow together.

Are you newly (or not so newly) married, and hoping to foster a good relationship with your in-laws?Here are some things to keep in mind:

• Demonstrate humor
• Exercise patience
• Overlook small irritations
• Look for the positive
• Accept differences

Are you a parent with a new (or not so-new) son or daughter-in-law? Here are some ways to be more inclusive of your child's spouse:

• Have realistic expectations
• Treat him or her the way you would any other family member
• Find ways to build a one-on-one relationship
• Practice good communication
• Allow him or her to call you Mom and Dad

I am truly blessed to have married into a family who loved and accepted me for myself, and trusted their son to make a wise choice in a marriage partner. I have always felt like a daughter, not a daughter-in-law. They have given my husband and me the time and space to be our own family, and we have cherished gathering together with them and other extended family members who all treat one another with kindness and respect. It is truly a joyful thing to think of eternity with them!

Reference
Frost, S.O. & Harper, J. (2005). Creating health ties with in-laws and extended families. Salt Lake City, UT. Deseret Book Company.