Small and Simple Things

I'm a lucky woman- my husband makes me a smoothie every morning for breakfast. He leaves it in the refrigerator, and I enjoy it when I get home from teaching an early morning scripture study class for the youth in our church. And every morning, I send him a text thanking him and letting him know how delicious it was. These small and simple acts give us a connection, and we are doing what Dr. John Gottman calls "turning toward each other." We are taking the time in the every day routine of life to let each other know we value one another. 

Dr. Gottman also explains the idea of "making bids" for attention, affection, humor, or support. The first time my husband made a smoothie for me, he didn't ask me if I wanted one- he just left it for me, and then texted me to let me know it was waiting for me when I returned home. This was an example of a bid- he was asking for some attention and appreciation. I "turned toward" him by giving him what he was asking for, and in so doing, strengthened our emotional connection. I could have "turned away" from him by saying something like, "Why did you make me a smoothie? I could have done it when I got home." Dr. Gottman's research has shown that bids play a big part in every marriage relationship. He found that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other 86% of the time, while those who ended up divorced did so only 33% of the time.

 "There's a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationships future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings, that like money in the bank can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times" (Gottman, 2015). 

While grand gestures may seem to be where it's at, (think of Hollywood versions of romance) it really is the small and simple things that matter most, and where great things can be brought to pass (Alma 37:6-7). Here are some ideas of "little things" that may make a big difference in your relationship by filling up your spouse's emotional bank account:

• Take care of a task your spouse usually does- wash the car, cook dinner, etc.
• Call, text or email during the day to see how your partner's day is going
• Put down your cell phone, tablet, or laptop and give your spouse your undivided attention
• Do something together with your spouse that he or she enjoys, that perhaps you normally don't do- read a book, take an exercise class, learn to fix something, work on a household project, etc.
• Find a new hobby to do together

The BEST way to invest in your spouse's emotional bank account, however, is to "reunite at the end of your day, and talk about how it went" (Gottman, 2015).

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should spend about twenty to thirty minutes having this conversation, but that it should NOT include discussion about any current conflicts between you. This should be a time to actively listen to each other without criticism or judgment, and with empathy and love. Dr. Gottman calls this the "Stress-Reducing Conversation." Here are the steps he outlines to be successful in this important event, as quoted from his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

1. Take turns- each partner gets to be the complainer for 15 minutes.
2. Show genuine interest- don't let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focues on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say "Uh-huh," and so on.
3. Don't give unsolicited advice! Unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don't try to fix any problems- just to be a good listener or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know you empathize. Say things like "What a bummer!" or "I'd be stressed out, too!"
5. Take your partner's side. Express support even if you think your spouse's view isn't reasonable. Don't back the opposition! The best phrase here might be, "Poor baby!"
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. Express solidarity and that you're in it together.This goes along with taking your partner's side.
7. Show affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, "I love you."
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Use phrases like, "Yeah, that is really sad" and "I can see why that annoys you."

My husband and I have been doing parts of the "Stress-Reducing Conversation" for years, without knowing that is what we were doing. It is in our routine to reconnect with each other both when he gets home from work, and at bedtime, to talk about the events of our day and listen with love and empathy while the other speaks. I am grateful that we have recognized that the little things do matter, and that we work to fill each other's emotional bank accounts. 

What small and simple thing can you think of that your spouse has done for you? What small and simple thing will you do TODAY to turn toward your spouse and fill their emotional bank account? 

Reference
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed). New York, NY: Harmony Books.