Making Maps and Remembering Respect

If I were to ask you to tell me your spouse’s favorite meal, would you know the answer? Or how about your partner’s favorite movie? Or, your sweetheart’s biggest aspiration? If you can answer these questions without too much difficulty, congratulations- you’ve probably done the things necessary to create a detailed “love map,” or place in your brain where you store all the important information about your significant other- his or her hopes, dreams, fears, favorites, annoyances, friends, and many more details. Dr. John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” He then goes on to give exercises that help couples get to know each other and enhance their love maps. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship, but in doing these exercises, we learned some things about each other that we hadn’t known before, even after almost 28 years of marriage. And I can attest that by knowing more details about my sweetheart, I have grown to love him all the more.

When you think of your spouse, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? I’m going to take a guess and say that you thought of either an endearing quality, or something that annoys you. If it was the latter, it would be a good idea to work on nurturing your fondness and admiration for your spouse. If it was the former, nurturing fondness and admiration is still very important. Taking the time to remember the good qualities and character traits that made you come to love your sweetheart in the first place is one way to start. What drew you to him or her in the beginning of your relationship? Was it kindness, a good sense of humor, a strong work ethic, or something else? Thinking of these things helps solidify or re-instill a sense of respect, which drives away that nasty Horseman called contempt (Gottman, 2015). Respect is of the utmost importance in marriage! Dr. Wallace Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said it this way: “Rather than fill ourselves with indignation and demands, we turn to kindness and respect. . . . let’s consider [marriage] as a heart matter. Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft and they respect one another.” Rekindling, or adding to, an already burning fire of fondness and admiration only helps that respect grow, adding warmth and light to your marriage.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a beloved leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said it this way:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.”

When I find myself getting annoyed at my husband, I try and reflect on his good qualities, and remember that I am by no means a perfect human being. One of my husband’s wonderful qualities, in fact, is his patience in dealing with some of my shortcomings!

By practicing these principles- building detailed love maps, and nurturing fondness and admiration- couples can strengthen the ties that bind them.

Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Overcoming the Four Horsemen

You may have heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as found in the New Testament, who are given as signs of the end of the world. John Gottman, a professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute, has studied couples for decades and can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not they will stay together. Gottman has borrowed the idea of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe "certain kinds of negative interactions that if allowed to run rampant, are...lethal to a relationship (Gottman, 1999).

The four horsemen are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Criticism is not to be confused with complaints. According to Gottman, "a complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event," while criticism "is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." Complaint: "I'm not happy that you didn't do the dishes today like we agreed. Can you do it before I make dinner?" Criticism: "You never do anything you say you will. You're so unreliable and selfish!"

Contempt is a form of disrespect, and rears its ugly head when one spouse believes he or she is superior to his or her partner. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, cynicism and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. 

Defensiveness is natural when one feels attacked, but it does nothing to help the situation, and usually just escalates it. This is because it is a round about way of blaming the other person. 

Stonewalling comes as a result of the other relentless horsemen. One partner finally comes to the point where they don't want to argue, so they just tune out and disengage from the situation.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard has offered the way to keep the Horsemen from overrunning a marriage, and it is the same solution that will be the triumph over the Horsemen of the Bible- Jesus Christ. By living the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can seek to have our hearts changed. When any of the Horsemen try to make an entrance, we can be kind, humble, and charitable in our dealings with our spouses.

I know in my own marriage that my husband and I have experienced the sorrow that comes from allowing the Four Horsemen entrance into our discourse, but we have also experienced the joy that comes from learning to be more Christlike to one another.

Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Contract or Covenant?

If you look up the words contract and covenant in Webster-Merriam's online dictionary, one word is used to describe marriage, while the other is not. Can you guess which one? If you said contract, you're right. Furthermore, Merriam-Webster gives examples of recent online uses of each word, and sadly, NEITHER word is used in the context of marriage. It is not surprising, however, considering how many people view marriage as unnecessary or easily dissolved. 

For those who do take marriage seriously, what is the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant one? In 1996, Bruce C. Hafen, a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this:

"When troubles come, the parties of a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

Elder Hafen described three kinds of "wolves" that will inevitably test all marriages:

• Natural adversity

This includes things like not being able to bear children, financial struggles, and severe illness or injury.

• Each person's own imperfections

Selfishness, impatience, being critical, and being judgmental are examples of this wolf.

• Excessive individualism

A common example is found in the expression, "the ball and chain," referring in a derogatory way to the bonds of marriage as burdensome. Or, it can go in the other direction. Instead of seeing marriage and family ties as important, some believe that no one really belongs with or to anyone else- the ties that bind are unnecessary. 

To protect against these wolves, we should:

• Face the adversities of life together with faith.
• Be unselfish, kind and patient with one another, recognizing we all have imperfections to overcome.
• Recognize and appreciate each other's unique qualities as individuals, while at the same time valuing the bonds of family ties.

Elder Hafen sums it up this way: "May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant (Hafen, 1996).

I have seen examples of couples who have heeded this counsel, and those who haven't. You can guess which couples were happier, and recognized the difference between a contract and a covenant. Which do you choose?

References
Hafen, B. (1996, November). Covenant Marriage. Retrieved from    https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/360707-Online.2018.Winter.FAML300.05/Course%20Files/Covenant_Marriage_Hafen.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=Ndjyg0CkoEYbkzK24pF8cuM9n&ou=360707

Marriage Matters!

What value does marriage hold for you? Do you think it plays an important role in society today? What role does marriage play in the lives of children? Is divorce more helpful or more harmful to adults and children who experience it?

Many in today’s world see marriage as less important, or perhaps less meaningful, than did their parents or grandparents. According to Brad Wilcox and others in the publication The State of Our Unions 2012: Marriage in America: The President’s Marriage Agenda, marriage is on the decline. Many more people are choosing to live together or stay single, rather than take the plunge into marriage.  

Paul Amato and his colleagues at Princeton University have analyzed hundreds of studies done over the last several decades, and they have found that marriage is important to the well-being of children. Children who experience the divorce of their parents can feel the effects of that devastating event into adulthood.

Clearly, marriage is still vital to society, and yet, it perhaps isn’t taken as seriously as it once was. My husband and I were married in April of 1990, and we have had our ups and downs throughout the years. We made the decision to always work through our problems, and never allow the idea of divorce to enter into our thoughts. In fact, we remind each other that we’re in it together forever!

Often, we hear about leaving a better world for our children. What if part of that is teaching them, through precept and example, that marriage matters? Children are happier, do better in school, are more confident, and have better friendships when their parents are married and stay that way (Amato, 2005). They grow up and are more likely to be in stable relationships themselves. And really, isn’t that what all parents hope for?

Amato, P. R. (2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional Well-being of the next Generation. The Future of Children,15(2), 75-96. doi:10.1353/foc.2005.0012

Wilcox, W. B. (2012). The state of our unions 2012: marriage in America: the Presidents marriage agenda. Charlottesville, VA: National Marriage Project, University of Virginia. Retrieved January 15, 2018.