Gratitude and Charity in Marriage

Building a good marriage is always a work in progress- it's never really finished. This is because individuals continue to grow and change, which means couples and marriages must grow and change, too. Dr. John Gottman has found that improving marriage over the course of time only takes what he calls the Magic Six Hours. Here's the breakdown, as found in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

• Partings- Before you say good-bye each morning, make sure you have learned something about your spouse's day. Time: 2 minutes x 5 working days= 10 minutes 
• Reunions- Reconnect with a hug and at least a six second kiss, and engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each day. (For more about stress-inducing conversations, click here.) Time: 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour 40 minutes
• Admiration and appreciation- Find a way every day to tell your partner how much you truly love and appreciate them. It doesn't have to be big- even a genuine, "I love you!" is often all it takes. Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
• Affection- Show one another physical affection in some way- hold hands, give a back rub, you get the idea. And, be sure to always kiss goodnight, even if it's a quick kiss. "Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner" (Gottman 2015). Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
• Weekly date- Make this a time to update your love maps and turn toward each other. It should be a relaxing time together. Time: 2 hours once a week 
• State of the union meeting- Find one hour each week to talk about your relationship this week, and keep this time sacred. Express five items of appreciation that you didn't already do sometime during the week. Discuss any pertinent issues, using soft start-ups. Ask, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week
• Grand Total= 6 hours!

Along with these Magic Six hours, a couple needs to cultivate two other habits in order to build successful marriages. 

In my opinion, these two things are the foundation for a strong relationship. 

The first is gratitude.  Dr. Gottman found that chronic criticism in a marriage comes from two sources- an emotionally unresponsive spouse, and being harshly critical of oneself. When you cannot see the good in yourself, it is difficult to see the good in others, and this comes out as criticism towards others. According to Dr. Gottman, "the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all of my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father. . .One route toward this forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs. Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt" (Gottman, 2015). 

In order to cultivate this habit, try for one week to be aware of your tendency to criticize, and replace it with a focus on what is right and good in the world, and in the people around you.

Then, the next week, show gratitude to your spouse by genuinely praising them for something each day. Remember to be real, and then extend this to everyone you meet. Try to find at least one positive quality or behavior in each person you come in contact with, and ignore their shortcomings. You will find, as you do this, that you will become less critical of yourself, and build up others along the way.

The second habit that is the foundation of a strong marriage is charity. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, charity is defined as the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:45-48). It is made manifest by how we treat others in the heat of the moment. Are we kind and forgiving, or do we criticize and condemn? In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard says this: "Rather than re-working our partners to our liking we are invited to cover their weknesses with our charity! . . . Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong" (Goddard, 2009).

In my own marriage, I can think of many times when my husband showed his gratitude for me by being charitable. For example, just this week, I forgot to cancel a trial subscription that cost us $99. Instead of getting angry at me, he simply said, "That's ok. I'm sure it will be useful to us this year." He could have been very upset with me, but instead, he covered my weakness in charity, endearing me to him, and making me ever more grateful for the person he is in my life. Truly, gratitude and charity go hand in hand to build a strong foundation for marriage. 

What can you do this week to show more gratitude and charity towards your spouse?

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009).  Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

On Conflict, Consecration, and Forgiveness

All couples disagree- it's inevitable. Even the most compatible people don't always see eye to eye, nor should they. We are each unique individuals with our own values, goals, and dreams. And we each have our own way of doing things.

According to Dr. John Gottman, there are two types of marital conflicts- solvable and perpetual.

Solvable Problems
This category of conflict is just what it seems- problems that couples can resolve and move on from. However, it is important to learn how to be emotionally intelligent in dealing with this type of conflict. Dr. Gottman suggests five steps that will help couples move through solvable problems in a way that will help them resolve them more effectively:

1. Use a soft start-up. Initiate issues kindly, and do not let the Four Horsemen make an appearance. (For more information about this, click here.)
2. Learn how to make and receive effective repair attempts. This is a way to de-escalate the tension in an argument. Examples include saying things like, "I can see my part in all this," or, "I see what you're talking about," or even, "Please help me calm down."
3. Soothe yourself, and each other. Repair attempts may not get through if your partner is feeling flooded, so it is important to learn how to calm down, and help each other calm down. The first thing to do if you are feeling flooded, or notice that your partner is, is to STOP the discussion IMMEDIATELY. Then, do something that calms and distracts, like taking a walk, listening to music, or exercising. 
4. Compromise. This is the only way to really solve anything. Compromise means finding common ground, accepting your spouse with all their faults and weaknesses, and finding a way to honor and respect each other's needs. It means being willing to accept influence from your partner, and not trying to change your spouse. 
5. Dealing with emotional injuries. Sometimes solvable conflicts leave some residual damage that needs to be worked through. Dr. Gottman has an in-depth exercise for this is his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that I highly recommend. 

Perpetual Problems

 My husband and I rarely argue, but when we do, it is typically about the same things we have argued about since the beginning of our relationship . This type of conflict falls into the perpetual category, and we're not alone here- 69% of all marital conflicts are perpetual. The trick is to learn how to avoid what Dr. Gottman calls gridlock. Couples who are happy in their marriages have learned to deal with these types of conflicts without getting angry, and often with a sense of humor. Gridlock occurs when no progress is made in coping with the conflict effectively. The couple becomes stuck, not really coming to a consensus, and one person, or both, may feel frustrated, rejected, and eventually, disengaged. Dr. Gottman has found that unrequited dreams are at the heart of every gridlocked conflict.

How do you tell the difference between the two types of conflict? Solvable problems are typically those that are situational, while perpetual ones are about what Gottman calls Big Issues- trust, security and selfishness, for example.

In either case, whether your disagreement is solvable or perpetual, consecration is a key that will help unlock us, or keep us, from gridlock. When we see marriage as something that is dedicated to a holy purpose, we are more willing to compromise. "Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve" (Goddard, 2009).

And, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness plays a major role in learning to deal with marital conflict. In his talk, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, James E. Faust quotes Dr. Sidney Simon: "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

Feel more joy in your marriage by practicing these concepts when disagreements arise. What can you do today to help resolve a conflict in your marriage?

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Pride and Influence

If you want more fun, friendship, romance, and joy in your marriage, one thing you must leave at the door is PRIDE. Now, I'm not talking about the sense of happiness you feel when a loved one accomplishes a great task, overcomes and obstacle, or shows maturity in decision-making. The kind of pride I mean is the kind that competes, and wants to be better than someone else or have more of something, or wants to be right, no matter what. You know, when you and your spouse are having a disagreement, and you KNOW you're right, so you don't give up or give in. You close off your mind and heart to what your partner might have to teach you. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, quoting Jonathan Haidt, put it this way: 

"Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are" (Goddard, 2009).

Ezra Taft Benson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985-1995, gave a remarkable address on the subject of pride to a worldwide assembly in April of 1989. He said this: "We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. . . Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves."

In order to have happiness in marriage, we must allow ourselves to be influenced by our partners, as outlined in the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman. Pride often gets in the way of this important concept, if we aren't careful.  Allowing ourselves to be influenced, or in other words, taking into consideration our spouse's thoughts and feelings, is a way to show esteem and respect for each other. It is a way to recognize each individual's point of view in a situation, and find a compromise that is agreeable to both. In order for this to happen, we must show the OPPOSITE of pride, which is HUMILITY. We can't point the finger of blame at our spouse- humility is, in part, the ability to take a hard look at ourselves and see what we need to improve upon and change in our own behavior. As a Christian, I believe the only way to be truly humble is to turn my life over to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Humility in this sense is a "whole-souled acknowledgment of our dependence on God" (Goddard, 2009) He has the power to help me recognize pride in my life, and can give me the strength to turn away from it. I love the scripture found in the Book of Mormon: 

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you are humble and allowing yourself to be influenced by your husband or wife:

• Do I show genuine interest in my partner's opinions?
• Do I learn a lot from my spouse, even when we disagree?
• Does my partner feel that I value what he or she says?
• Do I show my spouse respect even when we disagree?
• Do I think my partner usually has good ideas?
• Do I want my spouse to be influential in our relationship?
• Do I take the time to listen to my partner?

If you can answer 'yes' to most of these questions, then you are on the right track- keep it up! If not, then a little work is in order. C.S. Lewis summed it up this way:

May we have the courage to seek God's help in being humble, so that pride has no place in us as individuals, and in turn, no place in our marriages. 

References

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Small and Simple Things

I'm a lucky woman- my husband makes me a smoothie every morning for breakfast. He leaves it in the refrigerator, and I enjoy it when I get home from teaching an early morning scripture study class for the youth in our church. And every morning, I send him a text thanking him and letting him know how delicious it was. These small and simple acts give us a connection, and we are doing what Dr. John Gottman calls "turning toward each other." We are taking the time in the every day routine of life to let each other know we value one another. 

Dr. Gottman also explains the idea of "making bids" for attention, affection, humor, or support. The first time my husband made a smoothie for me, he didn't ask me if I wanted one- he just left it for me, and then texted me to let me know it was waiting for me when I returned home. This was an example of a bid- he was asking for some attention and appreciation. I "turned toward" him by giving him what he was asking for, and in so doing, strengthened our emotional connection. I could have "turned away" from him by saying something like, "Why did you make me a smoothie? I could have done it when I got home." Dr. Gottman's research has shown that bids play a big part in every marriage relationship. He found that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other 86% of the time, while those who ended up divorced did so only 33% of the time.

 "There's a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationships future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings, that like money in the bank can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times" (Gottman, 2015). 

While grand gestures may seem to be where it's at, (think of Hollywood versions of romance) it really is the small and simple things that matter most, and where great things can be brought to pass (Alma 37:6-7). Here are some ideas of "little things" that may make a big difference in your relationship by filling up your spouse's emotional bank account:

• Take care of a task your spouse usually does- wash the car, cook dinner, etc.
• Call, text or email during the day to see how your partner's day is going
• Put down your cell phone, tablet, or laptop and give your spouse your undivided attention
• Do something together with your spouse that he or she enjoys, that perhaps you normally don't do- read a book, take an exercise class, learn to fix something, work on a household project, etc.
• Find a new hobby to do together

The BEST way to invest in your spouse's emotional bank account, however, is to "reunite at the end of your day, and talk about how it went" (Gottman, 2015).

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should spend about twenty to thirty minutes having this conversation, but that it should NOT include discussion about any current conflicts between you. This should be a time to actively listen to each other without criticism or judgment, and with empathy and love. Dr. Gottman calls this the "Stress-Reducing Conversation." Here are the steps he outlines to be successful in this important event, as quoted from his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

1. Take turns- each partner gets to be the complainer for 15 minutes.
2. Show genuine interest- don't let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focues on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say "Uh-huh," and so on.
3. Don't give unsolicited advice! Unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don't try to fix any problems- just to be a good listener or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.
4. Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know you empathize. Say things like "What a bummer!" or "I'd be stressed out, too!"
5. Take your partner's side. Express support even if you think your spouse's view isn't reasonable. Don't back the opposition! The best phrase here might be, "Poor baby!"
6. Express a "we against others" attitude. Express solidarity and that you're in it together.This goes along with taking your partner's side.
7. Show affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, "I love you."
8. Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Use phrases like, "Yeah, that is really sad" and "I can see why that annoys you."

My husband and I have been doing parts of the "Stress-Reducing Conversation" for years, without knowing that is what we were doing. It is in our routine to reconnect with each other both when he gets home from work, and at bedtime, to talk about the events of our day and listen with love and empathy while the other speaks. I am grateful that we have recognized that the little things do matter, and that we work to fill each other's emotional bank accounts. 

What small and simple thing can you think of that your spouse has done for you? What small and simple thing will you do TODAY to turn toward your spouse and fill their emotional bank account? 

Reference
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed). New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Making Maps and Remembering Respect

If I were to ask you to tell me your spouse’s favorite meal, would you know the answer? Or how about your partner’s favorite movie? Or, your sweetheart’s biggest aspiration? If you can answer these questions without too much difficulty, congratulations- you’ve probably done the things necessary to create a detailed “love map,” or place in your brain where you store all the important information about your significant other- his or her hopes, dreams, fears, favorites, annoyances, friends, and many more details. Dr. John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “without such a love map, you can’t really know your spouse. And if you don’t really know someone, how can you truly love them?” He then goes on to give exercises that help couples get to know each other and enhance their love maps. My husband and I have a pretty good relationship, but in doing these exercises, we learned some things about each other that we hadn’t known before, even after almost 28 years of marriage. And I can attest that by knowing more details about my sweetheart, I have grown to love him all the more.

When you think of your spouse, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? I’m going to take a guess and say that you thought of either an endearing quality, or something that annoys you. If it was the latter, it would be a good idea to work on nurturing your fondness and admiration for your spouse. If it was the former, nurturing fondness and admiration is still very important. Taking the time to remember the good qualities and character traits that made you come to love your sweetheart in the first place is one way to start. What drew you to him or her in the beginning of your relationship? Was it kindness, a good sense of humor, a strong work ethic, or something else? Thinking of these things helps solidify or re-instill a sense of respect, which drives away that nasty Horseman called contempt (Gottman, 2015). Respect is of the utmost importance in marriage! Dr. Wallace Goddard, in his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, said it this way: “Rather than fill ourselves with indignation and demands, we turn to kindness and respect. . . . let’s consider [marriage] as a heart matter. Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft and they respect one another.” Rekindling, or adding to, an already burning fire of fondness and admiration only helps that respect grow, adding warmth and light to your marriage.

Gordon B. Hinckley, a beloved leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, said it this way:

“Companionship in marriage is prone to become commonplace and even dull. I know of no more certain way to keep it on a lofty and inspiring plane than for a man occasionally to reflect upon the fact that the helpmeet who stands at his side is a daughter of God, engaged with [God] in the great creative process of bringing to pass His eternal purposes. I know of no more effective way for a woman to keep ever radiant the love for her husband than for her to look for and emphasize the godly qualities that are a part of every son of our Father and that can be evoked when there is respect and admiration and encouragement. The very processes of such actions will cultivate a constantly rewarding appreciation for one another.”

When I find myself getting annoyed at my husband, I try and reflect on his good qualities, and remember that I am by no means a perfect human being. One of my husband’s wonderful qualities, in fact, is his patience in dealing with some of my shortcomings!

By practicing these principles- building detailed love maps, and nurturing fondness and admiration- couples can strengthen the ties that bind them.

Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Overcoming the Four Horsemen

You may have heard of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as found in the New Testament, who are given as signs of the end of the world. John Gottman, a professor of psychology and the founder and director of the Gottman Institute, has studied couples for decades and can predict with 91% accuracy whether or not they will stay together. Gottman has borrowed the idea of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe "certain kinds of negative interactions that if allowed to run rampant, are...lethal to a relationship (Gottman, 1999).

The four horsemen are:

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Defensiveness
• Stonewalling

Criticism is not to be confused with complaints. According to Gottman, "a complaint focuses on a specific behavior or event," while criticism "is global and expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other's character or personality." Complaint: "I'm not happy that you didn't do the dishes today like we agreed. Can you do it before I make dinner?" Criticism: "You never do anything you say you will. You're so unreliable and selfish!"

Contempt is a form of disrespect, and rears its ugly head when one spouse believes he or she is superior to his or her partner. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, mockery, cynicism and hostile humor are all forms of contempt. 

Defensiveness is natural when one feels attacked, but it does nothing to help the situation, and usually just escalates it. This is because it is a round about way of blaming the other person. 

Stonewalling comes as a result of the other relentless horsemen. One partner finally comes to the point where they don't want to argue, so they just tune out and disengage from the situation.

Dr. H. Wallace Goddard has offered the way to keep the Horsemen from overrunning a marriage, and it is the same solution that will be the triumph over the Horsemen of the Bible- Jesus Christ. By living the gospel of Jesus Christ, we can seek to have our hearts changed. When any of the Horsemen try to make an entrance, we can be kind, humble, and charitable in our dealings with our spouses.

I know in my own marriage that my husband and I have experienced the sorrow that comes from allowing the Four Horsemen entrance into our discourse, but we have also experienced the joy that comes from learning to be more Christlike to one another.

Goddard, H Wallace Ph.D., (2009) Drawing Heaven into your Marriage. Joyman Publishing, Cedar Hills, UT

Gottman, John M. PH.D., Silver, Nan. (1999, 2015 second edition) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books New York

Contract or Covenant?

If you look up the words contract and covenant in Webster-Merriam's online dictionary, one word is used to describe marriage, while the other is not. Can you guess which one? If you said contract, you're right. Furthermore, Merriam-Webster gives examples of recent online uses of each word, and sadly, NEITHER word is used in the context of marriage. It is not surprising, however, considering how many people view marriage as unnecessary or easily dissolved. 

For those who do take marriage seriously, what is the difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant one? In 1996, Bruce C. Hafen, a leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said this:

"When troubles come, the parties of a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they're receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

Elder Hafen described three kinds of "wolves" that will inevitably test all marriages:

• Natural adversity

This includes things like not being able to bear children, financial struggles, and severe illness or injury.

• Each person's own imperfections

Selfishness, impatience, being critical, and being judgmental are examples of this wolf.

• Excessive individualism

A common example is found in the expression, "the ball and chain," referring in a derogatory way to the bonds of marriage as burdensome. Or, it can go in the other direction. Instead of seeing marriage and family ties as important, some believe that no one really belongs with or to anyone else- the ties that bind are unnecessary. 

To protect against these wolves, we should:

• Face the adversities of life together with faith.
• Be unselfish, kind and patient with one another, recognizing we all have imperfections to overcome.
• Recognize and appreciate each other's unique qualities as individuals, while at the same time valuing the bonds of family ties.

Elder Hafen sums it up this way: "May we restore the concept of marriage as a covenant, even the new and everlasting covenant of marriage. And when the wolf comes, may we be as shepherds, not hirelings, willing to lay down our lives, a day at a time, for the sheep of our covenant (Hafen, 1996).

I have seen examples of couples who have heeded this counsel, and those who haven't. You can guess which couples were happier, and recognized the difference between a contract and a covenant. Which do you choose?

References
Hafen, B. (1996, November). Covenant Marriage. Retrieved from    https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/360707-Online.2018.Winter.FAML300.05/Course%20Files/Covenant_Marriage_Hafen.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=Ndjyg0CkoEYbkzK24pF8cuM9n&ou=360707