Making Marriage More

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Finding Joy in Extended Family Relationships

When two people marry, each inherits another set of parents, and also siblings. We've all heard the jokes about how hard it is to deal with in-laws, but does it have to be difficult in reality?

A new family unit is created when wedding vows are spoken, and each of the spouse's parents must give the new couple room to create what James M. Harper and Susanne Frost Olsen describe as their marital identity. This process can be illustrated with the new married couple as seeing themselves "existing together inside an invisible fence. They share information and behavior with each other inside that fence, and that information and behavior is not meant to be shared with others outside the fence--not with future children and certainly not with parents or parents-in-law" (Harper and Olsen, p. 328, 2005). As found in the book of Genesis in the Old Testament, a "man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." To cleave means to be attached, devoted or faithful to. It is now the work of the newly married couple to devote their time and energy to each other, meaning they confide in one another, counsel together, and work as a team to build the life they envision for themselves. This doesn't mean they forget their parents- on the contrary. They still continue to love, honor, and cherish them; however, the relationships change. "Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers" (Harper & Olsen, p. 328, 2005). Parents need to respect the new couple as an entity outside their control, and allow them the time and space to learn and grow together.

Are you newly (or not so newly) married, and hoping to foster a good relationship with your in-laws?Here are some things to keep in mind:

Demonstrate humor
Exercise patience
Overlook small irritations
Look for the positive
Accept differences

Are you a parent with a new (or not so-new) son or daughter-in-law? Here are some ways to be more inclusive of your child's spouse:

Have realistic expectations
Treat him or her the way you would any other family member
Find ways to build a one-on-one relationship
Practice good communication
Allow him or her to call you Mom and Dad

I am truly blessed to have married into a family who loved and accepted me for myself, and trusted their son to make a wise choice in a marriage partner. I have always felt like a daughter, not a daughter-in-law. They have given my husband and me the time and space to be our own family, and we have cherished gathering together with them and other extended family members who all treat one another with kindness and respect. It is truly a joyful thing to think of eternity with them!

Reference
Frost, S.O. & Harper, J. (2005). Creating health ties with in-laws and extended families. Salt Lake City, UT. Deseret Book Company.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Power and Unity in Marriage

Who's got the power in your marriage? Do you and your spouse share it as partners, or do you struggle over it? Who wins most of the arguments? Who gets their own way most of the time? If you answered that you, or your spouse tends to dominate, what can you do to equalize the balance of power in your relationship in order to have more joy in you marriage?

Here are two key things to remember, as taken from an address given by Richard B. Miller, the director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University:

The marital relationship should be a partnership. One spouse should not dominate the other.
Husbands and wives are equal, though they have different roles and responsibilities.

One way to equalize the power in a marriage is to hold a family council. This is a process by which a couple can come to a decision about something. It starts with the issue at hand, which each person should take the time to think about, and come prepared to discuss. At the appointed time and place, the couple can come together, start with a prayer, and express love and appreciation for one another. Then, they counsel together about the issue. One person speaks while the other simply listens, without interrupting. Then, the other spouse speaks. Each person should "strive to feel the manifestations of the Spirit concerning the item being discussed, which may necessitate a change in their feelings and thoughts in order to be in harmony with the entire council" (Ballard, 1997). After hearing each person's point of view, they can then discuss any further concerns, and then, if possible, come to an agreement. If no agreement can be reached that both husband and wife feel good about, then the matter is tabled until another council can be held.

As Elder Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, "Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity" (Eyring, 1998). He reminds us that if we are not finding harmony in our marriages, then we need to look to our own individual hearts. "The Holy Ghost remains with us only if we stay clean and free from the love of the things of the world. A choice to be unclean will repel the Holy Ghost. The Spirit only dwells wit those who choose the Lord over the world. . . A unity which comes to a family. . . softened by the Spirit will bring great power" (Eyring, 1998).

Power in marriage is not something that should be fought over, but should be sought in unity to build a happy relationship and bring joy to the family.

What can you do today to bring more harmony and unity to your relationship and equalize the balance of power in your marriage?

References

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: Learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May). That We May Be One. Ensign. Retrieved March 26, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Miller, R. B., PhD. (2008, March 28). Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families. Speech presented at BYU Conference on Family Life in Brigham Young University, Provo. Retrieved March 26, 2018, from https://byui.brightspace.com/content/enforced/360707-Online.2018.Winter.FAML300.05/Course Files/Rick Miller-Power.pdf?_&d2lSessionVal=7ZxoTcGD9akiB5bJpCc9bEPYF&ou=360707

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: Learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May). That We May Be One. Ensign. Retrieved March 26, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Ballard, M. R. (2012). Counseling with our councils: Learning to minister together in the church and in the family. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Eyring, H. B. (1998, May). That We May Be One. Ensign. Retrieved March 26, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1998/05/that-we-may-be-one?lang=eng

Saturday, March 24, 2018

True Fidelity

Physical intimacy is a crucial part of marriage. It can and should be a beautiful expression of love between husband and wife that strengthens the bonds of marriage. When people think of infidelity,they think almost exclusively of the physical relationship. However, this is not the only way to be unfaithful to your spouse. In an article by Kenneth W. Matheson, a professor from the School of Social Work at Brigham Young University, he describes two other forms of infidelity: emotional and spiritual.

Emotional Fidelity
"Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact--but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect husband and wife. . . Emotional infidelity. . .occurs when emotions and thoughts are focused on someone other than [your] spouse. . . it occurs gradually--often imperceptibly at first. This is one reason why those involved often feel innocent of any wrongdoing" (Matheson, p. 14, 2009).

For example, if you find yourself confiding with someone of the opposite sex at work, instead of talking to your husband or wife about the issue, you send personal emails to that person, or you go to lunch one-on-one with that person, you may be on the path to emotional infidelity. While of course it is appropriate to cultivate friendships at the workplace, you must be careful not to put more value on those friendships than you do on your relationship with your spouse.

Spiritual Fidelity
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, as well as many other faiths, solemn vows are taken when two people wed. In the LDS faith, couples make serious commitments called covenants in sacred temples. "Spiritual fideltiy causes us to consider the sacred covenants we have made. . . and how the very nature of our thoughts and deeds can undermine those covenants. . . If a person is unfaithful spiritually he or she is not honoring temple covenants even though [no] physical acts of intimacy [have been committed]" (Matheson, p. 15, 2009)

If you're unsure whether you have crossed the line into emotional and spiritual infidelity, here are some questions Professor Matheson asks you to consider:

Are you turning to your friend for comfort rather than turning to your spouse?
Do you find yourself thinking about your friend even when you're at home/
Do you seek opportunities to be with your friend even when work doesn't require you to be together?
Do you email and text your friend when you're not together?
Have you told your spouse about these messages?
Do you compare your spouse to your friend?
Would you be uncomfortable introducing your spouse to your friend?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you may need to think about whether you are dividing your affection for your spouse. Be honest with yourself, and make any changes necessary to bring you back to full fidelity with your spouse. This may require some open conversation with your husband or wife, or even a visit with your bishop or spiritual leader. If you are unwilling to take these steps to become spiritually faithful, you may find yourself on the path to physical infidelity, otherwise known as adultery.

Make your husband or wife know and feel that they are the most important person in your life by the way you treat them face to face, and also in your thoughts when they are not with you. I am grateful to my sweet husband, who tells me all the time the nice things he says about me to his co-workers. He is in a profession where there are more women than men, and he has always been open and honest with me when he has interactions with them.

Be true and faithful to the promises you made when you married, and you will find joy here and hereafter.

Reference

Matheson, K. W. (2009). Fidelity in Marriage: It's More Than You Think. Retrieved March 23, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2009/09/fidelity-in-marriage-its-more-than-you-think?lang=eng

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Gratitude and Charity in Marriage

Building a good marriage is always a work in progress- it's never really finished. This is because individuals continue to grow and change, which means couples and marriages must grow and change, too. Dr. John Gottman has found that improving marriage over the course of time only takes what he calls the Magic Six Hours. Here's the breakdown, as found in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Partings- Before you say good-bye each morning, make sure you have learned something about your spouse's day. Time: 2 minutes x 5 working days= 10 minutes
Reunions- Reconnect with a hug and at least a six second kiss, and engage in a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each day. (For more about stress-inducing conversations, click here.) Time: 20 minutes x 5 days = 1 hour 40 minutes
Admiration and appreciation- Find a way every day to tell your partner how much you truly love and appreciate them. It doesn't have to be big- even a genuine, "I love you!" is often all it takes. Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
Affection- Show one another physical affection in some way- hold hands, give a back rub, you get the idea. And, be sure to always kiss goodnight, even if it's a quick kiss. "Lace your kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner" (Gottman 2015). Time: 5 minutes x 7 days = 35 minutes
Weekly date- Make this a time to update your love maps and turn toward each other. It should be a relaxing time together. Time: 2 hours once a week
State of the union meeting- Find one hour each week to talk about your relationship this week, and keep this time sacred. Express five items of appreciation that you didn't already do sometime during the week. Discuss any pertinent issues, using soft start-ups. Ask, "What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?" Time: 1 hour a week
Grand Total= 6 hours!

Along with these Magic Six hours, a couple needs to cultivate two other habits in order to build successful marriages.

In my opinion, these two things are the foundation for a strong relationship.

The first is gratitude. Dr. Gottman found that chronic criticism in a marriage comes from two sources- an emotionally unresponsive spouse, and being harshly critical of oneself. When you cannot see the good in yourself, it is difficult to see the good in others, and this comes out as criticism towards others. According to Dr. Gottman, "the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to work on accepting yourself with all of your flaws. As I look back on my own life, I realize that forgiving myself for all of my imperfections has made an immense difference in my role as a husband and father. . .One route toward this forgiveness may be your personal spiritual beliefs. Expressions of thanksgiving and praise are the antidotes to the poison of criticism and its deadly cousin, contempt" (Gottman, 2015).

In order to cultivate this habit, try for one week to be aware of your tendency to criticize, and replace it with a focus on what is right and good in the world, and in the people around you.

Then, the next week, show gratitude to your spouse by genuinely praising them for something each day. Remember to be real, and then extend this to everyone you meet. Try to find at least one positive quality or behavior in each person you come in contact with, and ignore their shortcomings. You will find, as you do this, that you will become less critical of yourself, and build up others along the way.

The second habit that is the foundation of a strong marriage is charity. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, charity is defined as the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:45-48). It is made manifest by how we treat others in the heat of the moment. Are we kind and forgiving, or do we criticize and condemn? In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard says this: "Rather than re-working our partners to our liking we are invited to cover their weknesses with our charity! . . . Irritations with our partners are not a challenge to diplomacy as much as to our charity. There are no right words when our hearts are wrong" (Goddard, 2009).

In my own marriage, I can think of many times when my husband showed his gratitude for me by being charitable. For example, just this week, I forgot to cancel a trial subscription that cost us $99. Instead of getting angry at me, he simply said, "That's ok. I'm sure it will be useful to us this year." He could have been very upset with me, but instead, he covered my weakness in charity, endearing me to him, and making me ever more grateful for the person he is in my life. Truly, gratitude and charity go hand in hand to build a strong foundation for marriage.

What can you do this week to show more gratitude and charity towards your spouse?

References

Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

On Conflict, Consecration, and Forgiveness

All couples disagree- it's inevitable. Even the most compatible people don't always see eye to eye, nor should they. We are each unique individuals with our own values, goals, and dreams. And we each have our own way of doing things.

According to Dr. John Gottman, there are two types of marital conflicts- solvable and perpetual.

Solvable Problems
This category of conflict is just what it seems- problems that couples can resolve and move on from. However, it is important to learn how to be emotionally intelligent in dealing with this type of conflict. Dr. Gottman suggests five steps that will help couples move through solvable problems in a way that will help them resolve them more effectively:

Use a soft start-up. Initiate issues kindly, and do not let the Four Horsemen make an appearance. (For more information about this, click here.)
Learn how to make and receive effective repair attempts. This is a way to de-escalate the tension in an argument. Examples include saying things like, "I can see my part in all this," or, "I see what you're talking about," or even, "Please help me calm down."
Soothe yourself, and each other. Repair attempts may not get through if your partner is feeling flooded, so it is important to learn how to calm down, and help each other calm down. The first thing to do if you are feeling flooded, or notice that your partner is, is to STOP the discussion IMMEDIATELY. Then, do something that calms and distracts, like taking a walk, listening to music, or exercising.
Compromise. This is the only way to really solve anything. Compromise means finding common ground, accepting your spouse with all their faults and weaknesses, and finding a way to honor and respect each other's needs. It means being willing to accept influence from your partner, and not trying to change your spouse.
Dealing with emotional injuries. Sometimes solvable conflicts leave some residual damage that needs to be worked through. Dr. Gottman has an in-depth exercise for this is his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, that I highly recommend.

Perpetual Problems

My husband and I rarely argue, but when we do, it is typically about the same things we have argued about since the beginning of our relationship . This type of conflict falls into the perpetual category, and we're not alone here- 69% of all marital conflicts are perpetual. The trick is to learn how to avoid what Dr. Gottman calls gridlock. Couples who are happy in their marriages have learned to deal with these types of conflicts without getting angry, and often with a sense of humor. Gridlock occurs when no progress is made in coping with the conflict effectively. The couple becomes stuck, not really coming to a consensus, and one person, or both, may feel frustrated, rejected, and eventually, disengaged. Dr. Gottman has found that unrequited dreams are at the heart of every gridlocked conflict.

How do you tell the difference between the two types of conflict? Solvable problems are typically those that are situational, while perpetual ones are about what Gottman calls Big Issues- trust, security and selfishness, for example.

In either case, whether your disagreement is solvable or perpetual, consecration is a key that will help unlock us, or keep us, from gridlock. When we see marriage as something that is dedicated to a holy purpose, we are more willing to compromise. "Consecration is a covenant that moves us from asking how we can get our needs met to asking how we can bless and serve" (Goddard, 2009).

And, perhaps most importantly, forgiveness plays a major role in learning to deal with marital conflict. In his talk, The Healing Power of Forgiveness, James E. Faust quotes Dr. Sidney Simon: "Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves."

Feel more joy in your marriage by practicing these concepts when disagreements arise. What can you do today to help resolve a conflict in your marriage?

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Pride and Influence

If you want more fun, friendship, romance, and joy in your marriage, one thing you must leave at the door is PRIDE. Now, I'm not talking about the sense of happiness you feel when a loved one accomplishes a great task, overcomes and obstacle, or shows maturity in decision-making. The kind of pride I mean is the kind that competes, and wants to be better than someone else or have more of something, or wants to be right, no matter what. You know, when you and your spouse are having a disagreement, and you KNOW you're right, so you don't give up or give in. You close off your mind and heart to what your partner might have to teach you. Dr. H. Wallace Goddard, quoting Jonathan Haidt, put it this way:

"Each of us thinks we see the world directly, as it really is. If [others] don't agree, it follows either that they have not yet been exposed to the relevant facts or else that they are blinded by their interests and ideologies. . . Everyone is influenced by ideology and self-interest. Except for me. I see things as they are" (Goddard, 2009).

Ezra Taft Benson, President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1985-1995, gave a remarkable address on the subject of pride to a worldwide assembly in April of 1989. He said this: "We are tempted daily to elevate ourselves above others and diminish them. . . Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves."

In order to have happiness in marriage, we must allow ourselves to be influenced by our partners, as outlined in the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, by Dr. John Gottman. Pride often gets in the way of this important concept, if we aren't careful. Allowing ourselves to be influenced, or in other words, taking into consideration our spouse's thoughts and feelings, is a way to show esteem and respect for each other. It is a way to recognize each individual's point of view in a situation, and find a compromise that is agreeable to both. In order for this to happen, we must show the OPPOSITE of pride, which is HUMILITY. We can't point the finger of blame at our spouse- humility is, in part, the ability to take a hard look at ourselves and see what we need to improve upon and change in our own behavior. As a Christian, I believe the only way to be truly humble is to turn my life over to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ. Humility in this sense is a "whole-souled acknowledgment of our dependence on God" (Goddard, 2009) He has the power to help me recognize pride in my life, and can give me the strength to turn away from it. I love the scripture found in the Book of Mormon: Image result for ether 12 27

Here are some questions to ask yourself to see if you are humble and allowing yourself to be influenced by your husband or wife:

Do I show genuine interest in my partner's opinions?
Do I learn a lot from my spouse, even when we disagree?
Does my partner feel that I value what he or she says?
Do I show my spouse respect even when we disagree?
Do I think my partner usually has good ideas?
Do I want my spouse to be influential in our relationship?
Do I take the time to listen to my partner?

If you can answer 'yes' to most of these questions, then you are on the right track- keep it up! If not, then a little work is in order. C.S. Lewis summed it up this way:

May we have the courage to seek God's help in being humble, so that pride has no place in us as individuals, and in turn, no place in our marriages.

References

Benson, E. T. (n.d.). Beware of Pride. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: eternal doctrines that change relationships. Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Harmony Books.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Small and Simple Things

I'm a lucky woman- my husband makes me a smoothie every morning for breakfast. He leaves it in the refrigerator, and I enjoy it when I get home from teaching an early morning scripture study class for the youth in our church. And every morning, I send him a text thanking him and letting him know how delicious it was. These small and simple acts give us a connection, and we are doing what Dr. John Gottman calls "turning toward each other." We are taking the time in the every day routine of life to let each other know we value one another.

Dr. Gottman also explains the idea of "making bids" for attention, affection, humor, or support. The first time my husband made a smoothie for me, he didn't ask me if I wanted one- he just left it for me, and then texted me to let me know it was waiting for me when I returned home. This was an example of a bid- he was asking for some attention and appreciation. I "turned toward" him by giving him what he was asking for, and in so doing, strengthened our emotional connection. I could have "turned away" from him by saying something like, "Why did you make me a smoothie? I could have done it when I got home." Dr. Gottman's research has shown that bids play a big part in every marriage relationship. He found that couples who remained happily married turned toward each other 86% of the time, while those who ended up divorced did so only 33% of the time.

"There's a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationships future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I've come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings, that like money in the bank can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they're faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times" (Gottman, 2015).

While grand gestures may seem to be where it's at, (think of Hollywood versions of romance) it really is the small and simple things that matter most, and where great things can be brought to pass (Alma 37:6-7). Here are some ideas of "little things" that may make a big difference in your relationship by filling up your spouse's emotional bank account:

Take care of a task your spouse usually does- wash the car, cook dinner, etc.
Call, text or email during the day to see how your partner's day is going
Put down your cell phone, tablet, or laptop and give your spouse your undivided attention
Do something together with your spouse that he or she enjoys, that perhaps you normally don't do- read a book, take an exercise class, learn to fix something, work on a household project, etc.
Find a new hobby to do together

The BEST way to invest in your spouse's emotional bank account, however, is to "reunite at the end of your day, and talk about how it went" (Gottman, 2015).

Dr. Gottman suggests that couples should spend about twenty to thirty minutes having this conversation, but that it should NOT include discussion about any current conflicts between you. This should be a time to actively listen to each other without criticism or judgment, and with empathy and love. Dr. Gottman calls this the "Stress-Reducing Conversation." Here are the steps he outlines to be successful in this important event, as quoted from his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:

Take turns- each partner gets to be the complainer for 15 minutes.
Show genuine interest- don't let your mind or eyes wander. Stay focues on your partner. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Nod, say "Uh-huh," and so on.
Don't give unsolicited advice! Unless your partner has specifically asked for help, don't try to fix any problems- just to be a good listener or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.
Communicate your understanding. Let your spouse know you empathize. Say things like "What a bummer!" or "I'd be stressed out, too!"
Take your partner's side. Express support even if you think your spouse's view isn't reasonable. Don't back the opposition! The best phrase here might be, "Poor baby!"
Express a "we against others" attitude. Express solidarity and that you're in it together.This goes along with taking your partner's side.
Show affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say, "I love you."
Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you. Use phrases like, "Yeah, that is really sad" and "I can see why that annoys you."

My husband and I have been doing parts of the "Stress-Reducing Conversation" for years, without knowing that is what we were doing. It is in our routine to reconnect with each other both when he gets home from work, and at bedtime, to talk about the events of our day and listen with love and empathy while the other speaks. I am grateful that we have recognized that the little things do matter, and that we work to fill each other's emotional bank accounts.

What small and simple thing can you think of that your spouse has done for you? What small and simple thing will you do TODAY to turn toward your spouse and fill their emotional bank account?

Reference
Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed). New York, NY: Harmony Books.